Interpreting an academic white paper

'It has long been known'... I didn't look up the original reference.

'A definite trend is evident'... These data are practically meaningless.

'While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions'... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

'Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study'... The other results didn't make any sense.

'Typical results are shown'... This is the prettiest graph.

'These results will be in a subsequent report'... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

'In my experience'... once
'In case after case'... twice
'In a series of cases'... thrice
'It is believed that'... I think.

'It is generally believed that'... A couple of others think so, too.

'Correct within an order of magnitude'... Wrong.

'According to statistical analysis'... Rumor has it.

'A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings'... A wild guess.

'A careful analysis of obtainable data'... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.

'It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs'... I don't understand it.

'After additional study by my colleagues'... They don't understand it either.

'Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions'... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

'A highly significant area for exploratory study'... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

'It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field'... I quit.

Stephen Wright One Liners: A Collection

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire...

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.The clerk said, "ten-four."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store---"Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in EXACTLY the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my carkeys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...(slow glance upward)

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 200 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't remember what it was.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,"They're behind the couch." And they were!

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...(picks up his glass of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I was doing.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Four years ago...no, it was yesterday.

Today I...No, that wasn't me.

Sometimes I...No, I don't.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...Well, to make a long story short...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I lost a button hole today.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I washed mud, off of mud.

I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice)

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

"So, do you live around here often?"

Women...can't live with 'em...can't shoot 'em.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I pushed "1" and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"...I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of milkmen.

He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

This is my impression of a bowling ball...(drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it)...gutter...

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me---he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning, we got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

How young can you die of old age?"

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl'.

On the other hand... You have different fingers.

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, 'Can I help you?' And I said, 'Yeah, do you got anything I like?' He said, 'What do you mean do we have anything you like?' I said, 'You started this'.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, 'I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny.

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops.".

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis. He's a midget dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

and my favorite:

You know when you're leaning back in a chair and you go so far back that you almost fall over backwards, but at the very last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time. --

Douglas MacArthur's Principles of Leadership

Do I heckle my subordinates or strengthen and encourage them?

Do I use moral courage in getting rid of subordinates who have proven themselves beyond a doubt to be unfit?

Have I done all in my power by encouragement, incentive and spur to salvage to weak and erring?

Do I know by NAME and CHARACTER a maximum number of subordinates for whom I am responsible? Do I know them intimately?

Am I familiar with the technique, necessities, objectives and administration of my job?

Do I lose my temper at individuals?

Do I act in such a way as to make my subordinates WANT to follow me?

Do I delegate tasks which should be mine?

Do I arrogate everything to myself and delegate nothing?

Do I develop my subordinates by placing on each one as much responsibility as he can stand?

Am I interested in the personal welfare of each of my subordinates, as if he were a member of my family?

Have I the calmness of voice and manner to inspire confidence, or am I inclined to irascibility and excitability?

Am I a constant example to my subordinates in character, dress, deportment and courtesy?

Am I inclined to be nice to my superiors and mean to my subordinates?

Is my door open to subordinates?

Do I think more of POSITION than JOB?

Do I correct a subordinate in front of others?

George S. Patton's Speech to the Third U.S. Army

Be Seated.

Men, this stuff we hear about America wanting to stay out of the war, not wanting to fight, is a lot of bullshit. Americans love to fight - traditionally. All real Americans love the sting and clash of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble player; the fastest runner; the big league ball players; the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans despise cowards. Americans play to win - all the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That's why Americans have never lost, not ever will lose a war, for the very thought of losing is hateful to an American.

You are not all going to die. Only two percent of you here today would die in a major battle. Death must not be feared. Every man is frightened at first in battle. If he says he isn't, he's a goddamn liar. Some men are cowards, yes! But they fight just the same, or get the hell shamed out of them watching men who do fight who are just as scared. The real hero is the man who fights even though he is scared. Some get over their fright in a minute under fire, some take an hour. For some it takes days. But the real man never lets fear of death overpower his honor, his sense of duty to this country and his innate manhood.

All through your army career you men have bitched about "This chickenshit drilling." That is all for a purpose. Drilling and discipline must be maintained in any army if for only one reason -- INSTANT OBEDIENCE TO ORDERS AND TO CREATE CONSTANT ALERTNESS. I don't give a damn for a man who is not always on his toes. You men are veterans or you wouldn't be here. You are ready. A man to continue breathing must be alert at all times. If not, sometime a German son-of-a-bitch will sneak up behind him and beat him to death with a sock full of shit.

There are 400 neatly marked graves somewhere in Sicily all because one man went to sleep on his job -- but they were German graves for we caught the bastard asleep before his officers did. An Army is a team. Lives, sleeps, eats, fights as a team. This individual heroic stuff is a lot of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that kind of stuff for the Saturday Evening Post don't know any more about real fighting, under fire, than they do about fucking. We have the best food, the finest equipment, the best spirit and the best fighting men in the world. Why, by God, I actually pity these poor sons-of-bitches we are going up against. By God, I do!

My men don't surrender. I don't want to hear of any soldier under my command being captured unless he is hit. Even if you are hit, you can still fight. That's not just bullshit, either. The kind of man I want under me is like the lieutenant in Libya, who, with a Lugar against his chest, jerked off his helmet, swept the gun aside with one hand and busted hell out of the Boche with the helmet. Then he jumped on the gun and went out and killed another German: All this with a bullet through his lung. That's a man for you.

All real heroes are not story book combat fighters either. Every man in the army plays a vital part. Every little job is essential. Don't ever let down, thinking your role is unimportant. Every man has a job to do. Every man is a link in the great chain. What if every truck driver decided that he didn't like the whine of the shells overhead, turned yellow and jumped headlong into the ditch? He could say to himself, "They won't miss me -- just one in thousands." What if every man said that? Where in hell would we be now? No, thank God, Americans don't say that! Every man does his job; every man serves the whole. Every department, every unit, is important to the vast scheme of things. The Ordnance men are needed to supply the guns, the Quartermaster to bring up the food and clothes to us -- for where we're going there isn't a hell of a lot to steal. Every last man in the mess hall, even the one who heats the water to keep us from getting the GI shits has a job to do. Even the chaplain is important, for if we get killed and if he is not there to bury us we'd all go to hell.

Each man must not only think of himself, but of his buddy fighting beside him. We don't want yellow cowards in this army. They should all be killed off like flies. If not they will go back home after the war and breed more cowards. The brave men will breed brave men. Kill off the goddamn cowards and we'll have a nation of brave men.

One of the bravest men I ever saw in the African campaign was the fellow I saw on top of a telegraph pole in the midst of furious fire while we were plowing toward Tunis. I stopped and asked what the hell he was doing up there at that time. He answered, "Fixing the wire, sir." "Isn't it a little unhealthy right now?," I asked. "Yes sir, but this goddamn wire's got to be fixed." There was a real soldier. There was a man who devoted all he had to his duty, no matter how great the odds, no matter how seemingly insignificant his duty might appear at the time.

You should have seen those trucks on the road to Gabes. The drivers were magnificent. All day and all night they rolled over those son-of-a-bitching roads, never stopping, never faltering from their course, with shells bursting around them all the time. We got through on good old American guts. Many of these men drove over forty consecutive hours. These weren't combat men. But they were soldiers with a job to do. They did it -- and in a whale of a way they did it. They were part of a team. Without them the fight would have been lost. All the links in the chain pulled together and that chain became unbreakable.

Don't forget, you don't know I'm here. No word of the fact is to be mentioned in any letters. The world is not supposed to know what the hell became of me. I'm not supposed to be commanding this Army. I'm not even supposed to be in England. Let the first bastards to find out be the goddamn Germans. Someday I want them to raise up on their hind legs and howl, "Jesus Christ, it's the goddamn Third Army and that son-of-a-bitch Patton again."

We want to get the hell over there. We want to get over there and clear the goddamn thing up. You can't win a war lying down. The quicker we clean up this goddamn mess, the quicker we can take a jaunt against the purple pissing Japs an clean their nest out too, before the Marines get all the goddamn credit.

Sure, we all want to be home. We want this thing over with. The quickest way to get it over is to get the bastards. The quicker they are whipped, the quicker we go home. The shortest way home is through Berlin. When a man is lying in a shell hole, if he just stays there all day, a Boche will get him eventually, and the hell with that idea. The hell with taking it. My men don't dig foxholes. I don't want them to. Foxholes only slow up an offensive. Keep moving. And don't give the enemy time to dig one. We'll win this war but we'll win it only by fighting and by showing the Germans we've got more guts than they have.

There is one great thing you men will all be able to say when you go home. You may thank God for it. Thank God, that at least, thirty years from now, when you are sitting around the fireside with your grandson on your knees, and he asks you what you did in the great war, you won't have to cough and say, "I shoveled shit in Louisiana."
1

American English vs. English English

American English vs. English English

A
Acetaminophen = Paracetamol
Airplane = Aeroplane
Aluminum = Aluminium
Americans = Yanks
Apartment = Flat
Apartment House = Block of flats
Appetizer = Entree, Starter
Appointment Book = Diary
Archeology = Archaeology
Argentina = The Argentine
Argentinian = Argentine
Argument = Row, argy-bargy

B
Baby Carriage = Pram
Babysitter = Minder
Backpack = Rucksack
Badger = Brock
Baked Potato = Jacket potato
Bandaid = Elastoplast (both brand name bandages)
Bangs = Fringe
Bank Teller = Cashier
Bar = Pub
Barrette = Slide
Baseboard = Skirting-board
Bathroom = Loo, Water closet, W.C.
Battery (car) = Accumulator
Bedspread = Eiderdown or Duvet
Beef extract = Bovril (brand name)
Billion = Trillion
Bleachers = Terrace
Bobby pin = Hair pin
Bodyguard = Minder
Boots (rubber) = Wellies, Wellingtons
Boss = Gaffer
Boy = Lad
Braces (for the teeth) = Brace
Broccoli = Rabe Calabrese
Buttocks = Bum

C
Cabbage and potato = Bubble and squeak
Cafeteria = Refectory
Call = Ring
Can = Tin
Candy = Sweets
Carpenter = Cabinet Maker, Joiner
Carried away = Over the top
Catalog = Catalogue
Cents = Pence
Chapstick = Lip Balm
Chat (noun) = Natter
Chat (verb) = Natter, Rabbit
Check (bank) = Cheque
Check (restaurant) = Bill
Checkers = Draughts
Checking account = Current account
Chips = Crisps
Cigarette = Fag
Classy = Upmarket
Closet (bedroom) = Wardrobe
Clumsy = Cackhanded
Collect Call = Reverse Charge Call
Color = Colour
Comforter = Duvet
Commercial = Advertisment
Condom = Sheath
Conductor = Guard, clippie (Scotland)
Cookie = Biscuit
Cotton Candy = Candy Floss
Cotton = Cotton wool
Counterclockwise = Anticlockwise
Cracker = Savoury biscuit
Crazy (person) = Nutter
Credit = Hire purchase
Crib = Cot
Cross Walk = Zebra Crossing, Pedestrian Crossing
Crossing Guard = Lollipop Man
Crotch = Crutch
Cupcake = Fairy Cake
Curator = Keeper
Curb = Kerb

D
Dead End = Close, Cul de sac
Dessert = Afters, Pudding
Detour = Diversion
Diaper = Nappy, Napkin
Doctor's exam room = Surgery
Dollar = BillNote
Dropout = School leaver
Drugstore = Chemist
Drunk = Blotto, legless, paralytic, pissed
Dump = Tip
Duplex = Semi-Detached House

E
Easy task = Doddle
Editorial = Leader
Eggplant = Aubergine
Elated = Over the Moon
Electrician = Sparky
Elevator = Lift
Emergency Room = Casualty
England = Blighty
Eraser = Rubber
Exercise Class = Keep Fit
Exhausted = Knackered
Expensive = Dear

F
Fall = Autumn
Faucet T= ap
Favorite = Favourite
Feeble-minded = Dotty
Fellow = Bloke, Chap
Fire (verb) = Sack
Fire Department = Fire Brigade
Fish Store = Fishmongers'
Flashlight = Torch
Flirt = Tart
Fourteen Pounds = One stone
Freeway (Expressway) = Motorway, Carriageway
French Fries = Chips
Fruit Store = Fruiterers'

G
Garage sale = Jumble sale, boot sale
Garbage Bag = Bin liner
Garbage Can = Bin
Garbageman = Dustman
Garter Belt = Suspenders
Gas heater = Gas fire
Gas = Petrol
Gelatin = Jelly
Gizzards = Offal
Glasses = Bins, Specs
Glue = Gum
Go away = Naff off, sod off
Golashes = Wellingtons, Wellies
Golden raisins = Sultanas
Grade = Form
Granola = Muesli
Gray = Grey
Ground Beef = Mince
Gutter = Gully
Guy = Bloke, Chap

H
Ham = Gammon
Hamburger bun = Bap
Hardware store = Ironmongers'
Healthfood = Wholefood
Heater (electric) = Electric fire
Heater (gas) = Gas fire
Hedge = Hedgerow
Highrise = Tower block
Highway = Carriageway, Motorway
Honor = Honour
Hood = Bonnet
Hooligan = Yob, Yobbo
Horny = Randy
Horse = Chestnut Conker
House (one story) = Bungalow
Humor = Humour
Hungry = Peckish

I
Inclusive = All-in
Instruction = Tuition
Intermission = Interval
Interrogate =Vet

J
Jail = Gaol
Jello = Jelly
Jelly J= am
Jewelry = Jewellery
Juice Concentrate = Squash

K
Kerosene = Paraffin
Kiss = Snog

L
Ladybug = Ladybird
Lady's room = Ladies'
Lawyer = Barrister, Solicitor
Leash = Lead
Lemonade = Non-carbonated beverage
License plate = Number plate
Like (verb) = Fancy
Line = Queue
Lineup = Identity parade
Liquor store = Off license , Offy
Living room = Lounge

M
Mail (noun or verb) = Post
Mail Carrier = Postman, Posty
Mailbox = Postbox
Main street = High street
Maneuver = Manoeuvre
Math = Maths
Menopause = The Maenopause
Men's room = Gents
Middle of nowhere = Back of beyond
Model (of sorts) = Page 3 girl
Molasses = Treacle
Mold = Mould
Monkey Wrench = Spanner
Moron = Berk
Motor Home = Caravan
Mover = Removal man
Movie = Film
Movie = Theater Cinema
Moving = Removal
Moving truck = Removal van
Muffler = Silencer

N
Nail polish = Nail varnish
Naked = Starkers
Napkin = Serviette
National Holiday = Bank Holiday
Nauseous = Sick, Seedy
Nerd = Wally
Newcastle (person from) = Geordie
Newscaster = Presenter
Nothing = Nought, bugger-all
Nudist = Naturist

O
On/Off Ramp = Slip Road
Oven = Cooker
Overalls = Dungarees
Overpass = Flyover

P
Pacifier = Dummy
Pajamas = Pyjamas
Panties = Pants, Knickers
Pants = Trousers
Paper Towel = Kitchen towel, Kitchen Paper
Parade = Carnival
Parka = Anorak
Parking lot = Car park
Party favor = Cracker
Pedestrian crossing = Subway
Perfect = Spot on
Period (in punct.) = Full stop
Pharmacist = Chemist
Picnic Basket = Picnic Hamper
Pie Crust = Pastry Base
Pimple = Spot
Pin = Brooch
Plastic Tape = Sellotape (brand name)
Plastic wrap Clingfilm (brand name)
Pleasant = Homely
Pleased = Chuffed
Police Car = Panda car
Policeman = Bobby
Pool = Snooker
Popsicle = Ice lolly
Potato Chips = Crisps
Pregnant = Bun in the oven
Prenatal = Antenatal
Preppie = Sloane Ranger
Prison = The nick
Private school = Public school
Prom =Ball
Propeller = Air screw
Public School = State school
Push up = Press up
Put to sleep = Put down

Q
Quarrel =Row

R
Railroad Tie = Sleeper
Raincoat = Mac, mackintosh
Raise = Rise
Realtor = Estate Agent
Relish = Pickle
Rent = Hire
Reserve = Book
Rest stop = Lay-by
Roast = Joint
Robe = ressing Gown
Run = Ladder
Rutabaga = Swede

S
Sand Box = Sand Pit
Sandwich = Butty , Sarney
Santa Claus = Father Christmas
Saran Wrap = Clingfilm (Both are brand names)
SATs = A-levels (college entrance exams)
Sausage & potatoes = Bangers and mash
Sausage= Banger
Scalper = Tout
Scotch Tape = Sellotape (Both are brand names)
Sedan = Saloon car
Seedy = Downmarket
Sell = Flog
Senior Citizen = OAP (Old Age Pensioner)
Shopping Bag = Carrier bag
Shopping Cart/Basket= Trolley
Sick = Nauseous
Sideburns = Sideboards
Sidewalk = Pavement
Sir = Squire, Guv'nor
Slate (noun) = List of candidates for election
Slate (verb) = Designate for action or appointment
Slowpoke = Slowcoach
Sneakers = Daps, Trainers, Plimsolls,Pumps
Sneakers = Trainers, Plimsolls,Pumps
Snow Peas = Mange Tout
Soccer = Football
Spay = Doctor
Spelled = Spelt
Spoiled = Off
Squash = Marrow
Steal = Nick, Pinch
Stingy = Mean
Stopper = Bung
Street = Musician Busker
Stroller = Pram, Pushchair
Stupid = Daft, Gormless
Styrofoam = Polystyrene
Subway = Underground
Superbowl of Soccer = FA Cup
Suspenders = Braces
Sweater = Jumper ,Pullover

T
Take-Out = Take-Away
Talk show = Chat show
Taxi stand = Rank
Tenement = Housing estate
Testicles = Bollocks
Thank you = Cheers, Ta Ta
Thicket = Copse
Thumb Tack = Drawing Pin
Tic Tac Toe = Naughts and Crosses
Tire = Tyre
Toilet = Loo
Toothpick = Cocktail Stick
Toss = Bung
Track Housing = Housing Estate
Traffic Circle = Roundabout
Traffic Jam = Tailback
Trailor = Caravan
Trash Bag = Bin liner
Trash Can = Bin
Trash = Rubbish
Truck = Lorry
Trunk = Boot
Turnip = Swede
Tuxedo = Dinner Jacket
TV = Telly
Two Weeks = Fortnight

U
Umbrella = Brolly
Underpants (men's) = Y-fronts
Underpants (women's) = Pants, Knickers
Undershirt = Vest
Unemployed = Redundant
Unstable = Wonky

V
Vacation = Holiday
Very = Bloody
Vest = Waistcoat
Prostitute = Vice Girl
Vinyl Top (of car) = Hood

W
Wallet (Woman's) = Purse
Washcloth = Flannel
Whine = Whinge
Windshield = Windscreen
Wine (cheap) = Plonk
Woman (attractive) = Crumpet

Y
Yard = Garden
Yard sale = umble sale
Years = Yonks
You're Welcome [not used in Britain]

Z
Zee (the letter)= Zed
Zip code = Postal code
Zucchini = Courgette

How to think like a Genius

How to think like a Genius


'Even if you're not a genius, you can use the same strategies as Aristotle and Einstein to harness the power of your creative mind and better manage your future.'

The following eight strategies encourage you to think productively, rather than reproductively, in order to arrive at solutions to problems. 'These strategies are common to the thinking styles of creative geniuses in science, art, and industry throughout history.'

1. Look at problems in many different ways, and find new perspectives that no one else has taken (or no one else has publicized!)

Leonardo da Vinci believed that, to gain knowledge about the form of a problem, you begin by learning how to restructure it in many different ways. He felt that the first way he looked at a problem was too biased. Often, the problem itself is reconstructed and becomes a new one.

2. Visualize!

When Einstein thought through a problem, he always found it necessary to formulate his subject in as many different ways as possible, including using diagrams. He visualized solutions, and believed that words and numbers as such did not play a significant roll in his thinking process.

3. Produce! A distinguishing characteristic of genius is productivity.

Thomas Edison held 1,093 patents. He guaranteed productivity by giving himself and his assistants idea quotas. In a study of 2,036 scientists throughout history, Dean Keith Simonton of the University of California at Davis found that the most respected scientists produced not only great works, but also many 'bad' ones. They weren't afraid to fail, or to produce mediocre in order to arrive at excellence.

4. Make novel combinations. Combine, and recombine, ideas, images, and thoughts into different combinations no matter how incongruent or unusual.

The laws of heredity on which the modern science of genetics is based came from the Austrian monk Grego Mendel, who combined mathematics and biology to create a new science.

5. Form relationships; make connections between dissimilar subjects.

Da Vinci forced a relationship between the sound of a bell and a stone hitting water. This enabled him to make the connection that sound travels in waves. Samuel Morse invented relay stations for telegraphic signals when observing relay stations for horses.

6. Think in opposites.

Physicist Niels Bohr believed, that if you held opposites together, then you suspend your thought, and your mind moves to a new level. His ability to imagine light as both a particle and a wave led to his conception of the principle of complementarity. Suspending thought (logic) may allow your mind to create a new form.

7. Think metaphorically.

Aristotle considered metaphor a sign of genius, and believed that the individual who had the capacity to perceive resemblances between two separate areas of existence and link them together was a person of special gifts.

8. Prepare yourself for chance.

Whenever we attempt to do something and fail, we end up doing something else. That is the first principle of creative accident. Failure can be productive only if we do not focus on it as an unproductive result. Instead: analyze the process, its components, and how you can change them, to arrive at other results. Do not ask the question 'Why have I failed?', but rather 'What have I done?'

McDonnell Douglas warranty card

McDonnell Douglas warranty card

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humor about such things and took it down immediately.

---

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_]Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_]Other
First Name: ..................................................... Initial: ........
Last Name:...................................................... Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name:...................................................... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... .....................

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /......./.......

4. Serial Number: .................................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order
[_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / maneuverability [_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Central / South America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral
[_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation
[_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired [_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening
[_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.
Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes and other weapons of mass destruction?
Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
Seattle,WA 56119

Quotes

"If you're happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game show host" Winona Ryder in "Heathers" 1989"

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. " Tom Clancy

Paralyzed from the neck down after crashing his rental car in France, Formula 1 team owner Frank Williams announced: 'So, I'm in a wheelchair. Tough shit.'

"Even if a man chops off your hand with a sword, you still have two nice, sharp bones to stick in his eyes"

"Inflammable means flammable? What a strange country!" -Dr. Nick,

"I don't need this, I've got a masters degree in folklore mythology." Comic Book Store Guy

"Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day; set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

Star Trek could be worse, but only if it was sung.

Life'll kill ya...

Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day; set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

"Inflammable means flammable? What a strange country!" -Dr. Nick, The Simpsons

GEORGE: She's a drag. A well-known drag. We turn the sound down on her and say rude things.

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."

Being shot out of a cannon will always be better than being squeezed out of a tube - Dr. Hunter S. Thompson


Pee Wee Herman: "There's things about me you don't know, Dottie. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand."
Dottie: "I don't understand."
Pee Wee Herman: "You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel."

I don't need this, I've got a masters degree in folklore mythology.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." --Jerry Garcia


99% of serial killers drank milk when they were a child. Therefore, if YOU drank milk when YOU where a child, stay the hell away from me you milk drinking murdering bastard.

Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter.

"Better luck next time, and please pay me $5,000 since I suffered whiplash
jolting my neck away from my monitor when your picture popped up."

"This is a very delicate issue that can only be solved by me not caring
about it."

"Forty years from now when the internet collapses in a giant implosion of
stupidity I want to be able to say, 'I was there.'"

"Fuck you, Imagineering Inc, for breaking the sacred bond of trust between
gamers and developers that no more than 1/3 of a level will take place
inside an air duct."

"As I said above, the basis of this website is to take a small number of
jokes and drive them into the cold, cold ground."

"Due to various circumstances, one being the fact that I am an idiot, I
had gotten to sleep at about 5:30 AM and thusly was hitting the sleep
doubly hard as usual. If sleep were a battered wife, I'd be some genetic
recombination of OJ Simpson and Mike Tyson in a perpetual drunken rage."

"One time I was walking home through the park and I saw a UFO in the sky
with "GOODYEAR" written on it so I got home and wrote to Goodyear telling
them unless they gave me fifty million bucks then their dirty little space
secret was out. They never wrote back so now you know what they're up to
and if you buy some of their tires you'll be funding Martian death fleets
and guess who will be laughing when your corpse is frying like bacon on
the hood of my Chrysler? Me, that's who. I'll be the one laughing, not the
dead one. That will be you, you the dead guy, and me the one laughing. At
you."

Tequila has no history; there are no anecdotes confirming its birth.
This is how it’s been since the beginning of time, for tequila is a gift from the gods
and they don’t tend to offer fables when bestowing favors.
That is the job of mortals, the children of panic and tradition.

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." -George Carlin

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." - George Carlin

"God says do what you wish, but make the wrong choice and you will be tortured for eternity in hell. That sir, is not free will. It would be akin to a man telling his girlfriend, do what you wish, but if you choose to leave me, I will track you down and blow your brains out. When a man says this we call him a psychopath and cry out for his imprisonment. When god says the same we call him "loving" and build churches in his honor."

Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. -- Jim Samuels

"Just once, I'd like someone to call me 'Sir' without adding 'you're making a scene'." --Homer

"You come out on a Monday night and you shun your responsibilities and you
say fuck work. I appreciate that. Because you can tell ... you can tell
your fucking boss I said fuck you, from me, Bob Pollard. 'Cause I don't like
work. And I don't like school. And I don't like when you have to do shit
that you don't want to do."


"We must learn the fine arts of war and independence so that our children can learn architecture and engineering so that their children may learn the fine arts and painting" - John Quincey Adams

"In them you'll find
one .45-caliber automatic,
two boxes ammunition,
four days' concentrated emergency rations,
one drug issue containing antibiotics,
morphine,
vitamin pills,
pep pills,
sleeping pills,
tranquilizing pills,
one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible,
one hundred dollars in rubles,
one hundred dollars in gold,
five packs of chewing gum,
one issue prophylactics,
three lipsticks,
three pair of nylon stockings ...

Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff."

Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove.

I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. - Edith Sitwell


I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Noel Coward

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." -- Mel Brooks


Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.
- Kurt Vonnegut

The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else.
- Umberto Eco


"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." - Robert X. Cringely

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- A. Whitney Brown

Avoid alliteration. Always.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevent) are unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Profanity sucks.

15. Be more or less specific.

16. Understatement is always best.

17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

24. Don't use no double negatives.

25. You will never have been needing the future perfect tense.

26. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

27. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

How to Throw a Football

Throwing a football poses a problem for many people because of the ball's size and unique shape. But with a little practice, you can throw like a pro. More or less.

Steps:

1. Grip the football by interlacing your fingers between the football's laces and seams.

2. Protect the ball by cradling it with two hands, and hold it just under your chin as you step back to throw.

3. Cock your throwing arm back with your elbow bent.

4. Extend your free arm in front of you for balance; point the arm and hand at your target.

5. Keep your shoulders level for a short pass (10 yards or less); dip the shoulder of your throwing arm for longer distances.

6. Snap your arm forward and follow through with your shoulders and hips as your weight shifts to your front foot.

7. Release the ball when your arm is slightly above your head and out to the side.

8. Add velocity and spiral to the ball by flicking your wrist and fingers just as you release it.

9. Finish with your index finger pointing forward and down, and with your palm facing the ground.

Tips:

Move your hand forward, if your hands are large enough, and hold the ball so that your pinkie finger is toward the front of the ball. Most NFL quarterbacks with big hands feel that holding the ball this way gives them more control and a tighter spiral.

Finish on your front foot. Unless you have a cannon for an arm, finishing when falling back will cause the ball to sail high in the air and beg to be intercepted.

=======

The keys to throwing a perfect spiral every time are: Your hand positioning, your release, and your timing.

Hold the ball with your ring-finger just in front of the last lace on the football, leave an empty space, and place your pinky finger between the next two laces.

Your non-dominant hand should accompany your dominant hand on the ball as you raise it to throw, but you should drop it away from the ball and let it swing out away from your body as you twist your torso to throw.

Squeeze the ball hard just before you throw it, and then flick your wrist downward as you let go. This will ensure a tight spiral every time.

Nato Alphabet

Alpha

Bravo

Charlie

Delta

Echo

Foxtrot

Golf

Hotel

India

Juliet

Kilo

Lima

Mike

November

Oscar

Papa

Quebec

Romeo

Sierra

Tango

Uniform

Victor

Whiskey

Xray

Yankee

Zulu

Equal Temperment Tuning

Many guitarists are frustrated because of their attempts to tune the guitar to pure chords (free of beats). These particular players have very sensitive ears that prefer pure intervals and reject the mandatory equal temperament. They tune their guitar beautifully pure on one chord only to discover that the next chord form is unacceptable. In too many instances they assume that there must be a flaw in the workmanship on the fingerboard. Their problem is not in the construction of the guitar. It is one of pure tuning verses equal temperament.

You must accept this compromise because the guitar is an instrument of fixed pitch and the strings must be tuned to tempered intervals, not pure. Equal temperament is the name given to a system of dividing the chromatic scale into 12 equal half steps. Guitarists who have been trying to tune to one or another pure chord form must learn to understand and accept equal temperament. (They might be interested to know that to approximate pure chords on all forms would require about three dozen frets within the octave.) The system of equal temperament reduces the number to twelve, thereby making manageable all instruments of fixed pitch.

Here is what all of this means to the guitarist: You must not, at any time, use harmonic tones at the 7th fret as a point of reference (skilled piano tuners could use them because they know how many beats to introduce between 4th and 5th). Harmonic tones at the 7th fret are pure 5ths, while in equal temperament each 5th must be lowered slightly. To tune by harmonics at the 7th fret (as occasionally ill-advised) will make the guitar sound entirely unacceptable on some chord forms.

On the other hand, all harmonics at the 12th and 5th frets, being one and two octaves above the open strings, are immediately useful as explained below. All octaves and unisons are pure on all instruments of fixed pitch. Therefore, you may use harmonics at 12th and 5th as reference tones in the following tuning instructions.

Actually this discussion and the following suggestions are for those players who have been tuning to pure intervals. When the steps have been followed correctly the guitar will be as perfectly tuned as it could be in the hands of a professional. Nevertheless, when you have finished, your sensitive ear may notice that on each major chord form there is always one tone slightly high. If you start adjusting a particular string on a certain chord form, you only compound the problem because then the next chord form will be completely objectionable. Tune the guitar as instructed below and let it stand. How to help your ear accept equal temperament: It is easier to face a problem if we are prepared in advance and expect it. If you are one of those persons who is sensitive to pure intervals, here is what you are going to notice on an absolutely perfectly tuned guitar in equal temperament: Play an open E major chord. Listen to G# on the third string and you most likely will want to lower it very slightly. Don't do it. Ignore it. Enjoy the overall beauty and resonance of chord just as does the pianist.

That troublesome second string: Play an open position A major chord. Listen to the C# on the second string and you may want to lower it slightly. Play a first position C chord and listen to the E on the first string and fourth string at 2. These tones are slightly higher than your ear would like.

Now play an open position G chord. Listen to B on the second string. Yes, it would sound a little better if lowered ever so slightly. Why not try it? Slack off the second string a couple of vibrations and notice what beautiful G chord results. Now play the C chord and with that lowered second string, and you are going to dislike the rough C and E a lot more than before. Take the open B, second string back up to equal temperament so that it will be equally acceptable on all forms. Learn to expect and accept the slight sharpness of the major third in each chord (and oppositely, the flatness of the minor third in each minor chord). Train your ear to accept tempered intervals and you will be much happier with your guitar.

PROCEDURE:

Tuning the 1st and 6th strings: The E, open 1st string, must be in pure unison with the harmonic of the E, 6th string at the fifth fret. When these two strings have been properly tuned with each other, continue as follows. Tuning the 4th string: Play a harmonic on the (in tune) 6th string at twelve, and as this harmonic sounds, adjust the 4th string until the tone E on the second fret is in pure unison. Now you have the E, open 1st string, 1st on the 4th string at two, and E, open 6th string tuned pure (permissible because they are octaves).

Tuning the 2nd string: Play a harmonic on the (in tune) 4th string at twelve. As this sounds, adjust the 2nd string until D at the third fret is in pure unison. As you have used two fretted tones for references and as the frets are positioned for tempered intervals, you now have the open 1st, 2nd 4th and 6th strings in tempered tuning.

Tuning the 3rd string: As it is easier to adjust a string while listening to a continuous reference tone, you may first try the following: Play a harmonic on the (in tune) 4th string at twelve and as this sounds, adjust the 3rd string until D at the 7th fret is in pure unison.

Double check: Now make this check to see if you have been accurate or if the instrument plays tune when fretted at seven. Play a harmonic on the (now tuned) G string at twelve, and as this tone sounds, play G on the 1st string at three. The two tones should be in pure unison. If they are not, either you are at fault or the instrument doesn't fret tune at seven. Go back to the beginning and carefully check each step up to this point. If the tones are still faulty, then readjust the 3rd string until the harmonic at twelve is in unison with the 1st at three. Do not tamper with the 1st and 4th strings because it is the 3rd string you are trying to bring in tune. When you have the 1st, 6th, 4th, 2nd and 3rd strings in tune, in that order, continue with the remaining 5th string.

Tuning the 5th string: Play the tone A on the (in tune) 3rd string, at the second fret. Listen to this pitch carefully and now adjust the 5th string until the harmonic at twelve is in pure unison. When the foregoing steps are followed correctly, the strings will be tuned perfectly to equal temperament. No further tuning adjustments are permissible.